


Girls/Girls/Boys

by IWrtBksNtTrgds (orphan_account)



Series: Wattpad Fics (That totally suck. Don't read them) [7]
Category: Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance
Genre: FTM Patrick Stump, M/M, Physical Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Transgender Characters, Transphobia, implied rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2018-02-23
Packaged: 2019-03-22 23:29:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 25
Words: 9,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13774884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/IWrtBksNtTrgds
Summary: Uh. Patrick's trans and Pete's a really shitty boyfriend and Gerard is a good friend. Don't read this.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> don't read this please.. it's shitty. really shitty.

Ew.  
That's all I could think of as I stared at myself in the mirror, my green eyes looking over this... mess...  
It's horrible. It's disgusting. It's... just... I don't know what to say. I hate it. I hate how I look. I hate how I feel. I hate my breasts, I hate my... everything... I hate that I don't have a dick. I hate my hair. I hate my eyes. I hate my shape. I hate my clothes. I hate how fucking innocent I look. I hate that I don't look like myself.  
Have I ever really looked like myself?  
No.  
I look like a girl. A woman. A... female. Whatever the fuck you want to call it, it's not me. I'm not that. I've never been that but... even if I did manage to tell someone what I really am, it's not like they would accept me. They'd brush it off.  
"Whatever," they'd say, "you're just teenager. You don't know what you're thinking."  
I do know, though. I know who I am... I know what I am inside but...  
It's not like they'd understand anyways...  
The only person I would even consider talking to about this is Joe but... Joe's Joe and he really doesn't care about this. He'd just say okay but he probably wouldn't help me. He'd accept it but he's not the kind of guy to actually push the limits and do something about it. He would smile and say, "Good for you, I'm happy to hear." and then he'd put his earbud back in and start eating again.  
Tears fill my eyes as they look down.  
I drop the towel and sob.  
It's pathetic, I know it is but... I do it anyways. I know, I should just... do something about it but... nobody's going to care. Nobody cares who I am inside. I know what it's like for trans people. They're called "unnatural" and "weird".  
I hate it. I hate that I'm trapped and I can't do shit about it. I can't just change who I am and expect people  
to start calling me a boy. I can't just cut my hear and grow some fucking balls and expect it to all be better.  
They'd still call me a girl and say, "Isn't she trans?" or, "What's her real name?" or, "She was born as a girl, right? I just want to know her real gender."  
I drop to my knees, still sobbing. Why am I crying? It's not normal for a boy to fucking cry.  
I guess that's just a stereotype, though. I've seen Joe cry once or twice. He always sent me away, though...  
I don't know. I just want to change. Is that too much to ask? For society to accept me for who I am inside?  
Obviously, yes...  
"Patricia? We have company over, please get finished up!" My mom calls from outside the door.  
Patricia. It sounds like venom on her tongue. Patrick. I want to be Patrick. Patrick Stump.  
Yes... I've already picked a name and shit... I know... It's pathetic well...  
I'm pathetic.  
"Coming!" I call back as I quickly grab my bra and clasp it on.  
Ew.  
My shirt showing of.. those things on my chest.  
Ew.  
My underwear.  
Ew.  
My pants...  
Ew.  
It's fucking disgusting. I hate this. I hate all of this.  
Can't I just be normal for once? A normal boy. Patrick Stump, best friends with Joe Trohman and Gerard Way. Born in Chicago, Illinois as a girl, but he realized who he was inside.  
Oh, God that sounds cheesy.  
But... it sounds fitting... just take out the fact that he's a boy right now and... There. That's Patricia Stump for you.  
Patricia. Fucking. Stump.


	2. Chapter 2

The towel runs smoothly through my hair as I fold it up and place it on the towel rack beside the shower then leave the bathroom, turning off the light and the fan.  
My soft smile fades as soon as I see Pete at the foot of the stairs, his hands in his pockets and his head down. He looks sad. Why? Did something happen?  
"Hey, Babe," I call from the top of the stairs, he looks up and smiles softly, "You look beautiful."  
I look hideous. Like a girl. Not like who I really am.  
"Thanks," I blush. He comes up the stairs and kisses me, his charcoal black hair flashing in front of my face and a sly smile crossing his lips.  
"Clothes stay on!" Mom shouts from downstairs.  
"Oh my God, Mom," I yell, my cheeks turning fire red and my head lowering. I hear her chuckle.  
Pete smirks and attaches his lips to mine, biting my bottom lip and looking up into my eyes, "Beautiful, babygirl," He whispers.  
I pull him into my bedroom, he kicks the door shut behind us and pulls me onto the bed, attaching his lips to mine and his hand trailing down my chest. My mind is running at a mile a minute as his fingers slip to my chest and begin groping at my breasts softly.  
I hate this.  
Not him. Not what he's doing. I just hate... myself... I give him full consent for everything he does, we'd agreed to that forever ago... I just... I just don't like having breasts.  
I know, I'm a constant downer and I should start focusing on the good things in life like, my mom not giving a single fuck about what I do with my boyfriend behind a closed bedroom door. I really shouldn't take these things for granted but I still. Fucking. Do.  
Shoot me.  
Pete's hand continues down to the top of my jeans where he unbuttons them softly and smiles into my lips.  
I can't do this.  
I press his hand away, taking a deep breath and shutting my eyes.  
"Something wrong?" He asks gently. I shake my head, "No. I... Nothing's wrong... I just... don't really want to do this right now..."  
He kisses me one last time and pulls away, buttoning my jeans back up.  
"Sorry," I whisper.  
"It's fine," He replies, "Really, it is. Whatever you want."  
I smile and pull him down, causing him to chuckle softly and press his lips to mine, "What do you wanna do, then?"  
"Netflix and chill?" I ask.  
He wiggles his eyebrows.  
I facepalm, "Not like that you idiot."  
He kisses me again, "Sorry, I'll stop being immature."  
"Is that even possible?" I ask.  
"Probably not."  
***  
"I'll see you in a bit," Pete whispers into my ear, "Maybe we could go a bit farther...? Break a few rules...?"  
"O-Okay..." I mumble. He gives my shoulders a light squeeze and leaves, "I'll see you in a bit, alright?"  
"Bye," I reply.  
He's out the door and I feel like breaking down. I'm weak at the knees and I kind of just want to sob into my pillow for a good few hours.  
I walk back up to my room and collapse into bed, staring at the wall.  
I swear, it's not that I don't want to do it... I really want to... I'm just self-conscious... I don't like people seeing me as something I'm not. I don't like being... this...  
I should probably just sleep and keep hoping it's just a phase...  
I just need to face the truth...  
I'll never be a boy...  
Ever...


	3. Chapter 3

"Patricia, Baby, are you feeling alright?" Pete asks me softly, his hand wrapped around my waist and my head resting on his shoulder. I don't know how he knows when I'm feeling down. He just does, it's like a sixth sense but it makes me feel a little bit better. Like someone understands...  
He'll never understand...  
"Yeah," I mumble, I know he doesn't believe me and he doesn't like me lying, "No..."  
He sighs a long, drawn out sigh. I can feel his warm breath in my hair as we look out from where we sit at the side of the school, "What's wrong?"  
I shake my head, "Nothing... Nevermind. It's stupid." I can't tell him. He'll push me away and call me disgusting.  
"C'mon, you can tell me anything you want..." He whispers, "I promise I'll understand, whatever it is..."  
I shake my head softly, my throat closing up.  
Disgusting. He'll push you away, you know he will.  
"It's just... stupid." I whisper, a tear falling from my eye, "It's... I don't know... weird..."  
He pulls me onto his lap and pulls me closer, "It's not stupid or weird. Just tell me,"  
I shake my head, "Nevermind."  
"C'mon--"  
"Nevermind!" I snap  
He huffs out a blow of frustrated air, "Go."  
"What?"  
"If you don't want to tell me then find someone to talk to. Someone who you might trust because you obviously don't trust me."  
"Pete--"  
He pushes me off of his lap, "There's hundreds of people in this stupid high school. Just go. I hate seeing you sad like this. If you're feeling bad then stop complaining and saying you can't tell me. Just fucking tell me or complain to somebody else. I can't help you!"  
"I didn't ask for your help!"  
"Just go."  
I scrunch my nose but leave, still crying.  
I run into the girl's bathroom. The girl's bathroom. Not the men's. The girl's. Why? Why do I have to be so... weird...  
I cry over the sink, my tears dripping down the drain and I don't dare look up in the mirror. I'm afraid of what I'll see. Someone who isn't really me...


	4. Chapter 4

Science with Mr. Armstrong.  
It's not that bad of a class, I mean I have a few friends there, I'm just a whiny bitch so it seems worse than it really is.  
As soon as I enter, I straighten out my hoodie, trying to get it to cover my boobs more but no matter how hard I try, I have to tell them, they can't guess.  
"Hey, Patricia, go ahead and grab the assignment from the desk." Mr. Armstrong mumbles as he writes up some shit I don't understand on the board.  
I grab it, I'm so tempted to write Patrick on the name line of the paper and turn it in, but he'd just call me a freak. Everyone would call me a freak if they found out. They'd tell me, "You can't be a boy, you were born a girl," or, "What kind of stupid name is that?" It's useless. Everything I do is useless.  
I sit at my desk, grabbing a pencil from my binder and beginning to write in my name. Patric ... ia.  
"Hey, 'Trish," The boy with firetruck hair says beside me. I jump when he says that but laugh it off like I didn't.  
"Hey, Gee. How's your day?" I ask softly.  
"It's... alright... Mr. Dirnt assigned us way too many assignments to be normal so I have at least two hours of homework after school," He groans.  
"Shit," I laugh, "I'm sorry,"  
He shrugs and shuts his eyes. I can't help but watch how peaceful he looks when he sleeps... It's creepy, I know, but I've had the hots for him since the beginning of last year. I can't help it.  
You have Pete. What the hell?  
Sorry.  
I lay down and shut my own eyes tiredly.  
I have to tell someone about being transgender... Someone, anyone...  
I open my eyes again to see the boy looking right back with those deep brown eyes. He smiles softly, I smile back.  
Maybe he could be the one. He'd understand.  
Right?


	5. Chapter 5

Disgusting.  
I slide the knife across my skin. It hurts so badly but at the same time it feels so good...  
Pathetic.  
I've never done this before... I think I like it, though...  
Pussy.  
Another mark, blood dripping from the razor.  
Hideous.  
Ouch.  
Tears are flowing down my face but I don't make a sound as I slide it across again, the blood leaking down the sides of my baby soft arm and into the trash bin. It's dark red in contrast to the pale and it's beautiful.  
It's disgusting.  
But beautiful.  
There's a knock at the front door and my eyes widen as I stop my blade.  
"Patricia? Baby, it's Pete," My boyfriend calls.  
"Coming!" I call back.  
I wipe my blade and throw it in my bedside table before wiping up my wrists. I slide down my sleeves on my hoodie, covering the new cuts quickly, careful not to let any of them show. My chest expands as I inhale deeply and shrinks as I exhale. I clear my mind, trying to think straight as adrenaline pulses through my veins.  
I walk out of my room and make my way downstairs, I'm home alone, Mom's at work and I know she won't be home for a few hours so...  
I guess it's just Pete and I...  
Oh god...  
I want to do this. I want him to take my virginity but... but I don't want him to see me. I hate how I look. I hate my breasts, I hate how much Pete loves my body. I don't want boobs, I don't want what I have, I don't want to have straight sex, I don't like this... I hate this... I would do anything just to make him go away and leave me alone. Anything just to get him to realize who I am inside... Anything for him to just call me a boy. It's pathetic. This is pathetic. Why can't I just tell him instead of being so scared of this? Why don't I just let him know how I feel inside and stop bottling up my feelings and thoughts?  
Maybe I should...  
I open the door, smiling softly to see Pete there, his crooked smile, his muscled arms, the tattoos, the tanktop...  
I feel myself getting wet just off of the sight.  
Goddamn I'm weak...  
"Hey, Baby," I pull him inside, letting him kick the door shut behind himself and smirk, that dark, sexy smirk.  
"I figured your Mom wouldn't be home... Maybe we could..." He presses me against the door, all self-consciousness leaving me because I want this. I need this. I can tolerate straight sex... just this once because goddamn he came with plans and I'm not gonna stop those plans.  
"P-Please..." I beg, whimpering. He chuckles and pulls me up to the bedroom, the stairs feel like they take an hour to climb.  
He presses me inside and shuts the door behind himself, pulling off his tank top almost immediately and with a flick of his wrist, the lights are off and it's just him and I in the dark.


	6. Chapter 6

Mom said I couldn't have sex until I'm 18. 17 is good enough, right? Only 11 more months until my birthday, May is almost over, that's one month down... Either way, I couldn't care less, Pete wants me. No, he needs me. He came to my house horny and now I'll give him what he came for.  
Pete smashes his lips into mine, cupping my back and pulling me up, closer. Skin against skin, lips against lips, chest against chest we pant, rising and falling at the same pace.  
He yanks off my hoodie, I realize my scars are exposed and I try to cover my wrist before he sees but he doesn't seem to notice them, my room is really dark after all.  
"So hungry for you, 'Trish," he mumbles into my lips, "You want me?"  
"Yes, Pete, please," I beg needily as I tug on his pants, desperate to get them down, "Please, I need you..."  
He kisses me hard, tangling his fingers in my blonde hair and grinding his hips on me softly. I'm able to mumble out his name softly, needily, hornily.  
He pulls away for a breath, taking the chance to pull off my shirt but I stop him at my bra.  
"W-Wait," I whisper, "I don't... I don't wanna..."  
"Are you self-conscious?" He replies.  
"A-A little bit..." I blush.  
"Why?"  
I let out a shuddery breath before squeezing my eyes shut and shaking my head, "It's... stupid..."  
"Trish... please just tell me, I hate seeing you like this..." He replies, running his fingers through my hair.  
"I..." Maybe this can be okay, and I can set things right... Maybe... "Y-You have to promise not to be mad..."  
"Of course not, Baby... Anything..."  
I take a deep breath, "I... I wanna be a guy..."  
He frowns, and then he realizes what I mean.  
I feel him get off of me and rise to his feet on the edge of the bed, "You're... trans?"  
I nod through the darkness as he heads to the lightswitch and flicks it on. I wince at the sudden brightness but as soon as I see his mad face, my stomach drops.  
"What the fuck?" He pulls me up, my breathing gets fast, fear easy to see in my eyes, "What is wrong with you? Fucking trans?" He slaps me and pushes me down on the bed, I feel tears lacing my eyes, "I knew there was something wrong with you. I knew there was a flaw somewhere it's disgusting, Trish!"  
He grabs his shirt from the floor.  
"Are we over?" I dare ask. He glares right into my eyes, his brown orbs lit with anger.  
"I don't know. I just... I'm going home. If you want to fix things talk to me but until then, I don't... I don't know what we are."


	7. Chapter 7

He's gone.  
The house is empty, quiet... my thoughts are a mess, though, and I'm a shivering mess without my shirt. All I can do is stare at the ceiling, my teeth chattering but I don't have the will to grab a blanket, I just want to stare.  
I don't want to stare.  
I want to die.  
I don't want to be different. I don't want to be a boy trapped in a girl's body. I don't want to be like I am. I don't want to be disgusting. I don't want to be at pathetic. I don't want to be me. I just want to be different. I want to be who Pete wants me to be... I'd do anything for him...  
God, I'm pathetic.  
Bzzt  
I don't answer it. What's the point? They're just going to insult me like Pete did...  
So I let myself drift off to sleep as I try not to think about what's going to happen next. I try not to think about what the next hurdle will be for me to jump but it's gotta be coming up soon...  
Soon...  
***  
"Hey, 'Trish." He says, his voice is so beautiful but I'm scared of looking at him. I don't want to look at him. But I want to. I want to so fucking bad. I need to. I need to see that dark hair, those dark eyes, those muscled arms. I want them wrapped around my waist again, I want them pinning me down on my bed again with his lips asking me how much I want him. I want him so fucking bad and I can feel myself getting wet off of the idea. The idea of him thrusting into me hard and fast, his breathy moans, his hands on my wrists, his lips on my neck, sucking, licking, kissing. I want him, I love him. It hurts.  
I want to stay with him, I don't care that he slapped me I just... I want him to call me his again... I would do anything at this point... I can hide the truth that I'm a boy, I'll take as many hits as he sends me way. Anything... anything, please  
"H-hey," I say softly, shakily. Oh god, I probably sound so nervous right now. Too nervous. He's going to realize–  
"Look, I..." I feel him pull me up against his chest by my waist, "I wanted to say that I want to try again. I don't care that you're trans just... try not to bring it up, yeah? We could try again. Is your Mom gone after school today?"  
I nod, shivering under his touch.  
"Good, would you be up for it?" He asks, his breaths warm on my ear, "I'll be gentle for you since it's your first time, okay?"  
I nod and I find myself whispering out a soft, "Please."  
He chuckles, "We're gonna have so much fun..."  
And he's gone, off to his table with Brendon and Ryan and Spencer. I'm left a shivering, horny mess.  
And despite the fact that he slapped me...  
I'm excited.


	8. Chapter 8

Knock, knock, knock  
The door.  
I freeze up. That's Pete. I know that's Pete. It can't be anyone besides Pete. I'm expecting him, anyways...  
I'm nervous. I don't know why I'm nervous. I guess it's because I'm about to lose my virginity to him. I'm about to get a dick in me and I don't know if he brought a condom and I don't know if I really want to show him myself and I don't know if this is really going to be worth it and–  
It'll be okay. It has to be fine... it's going to be okay... everything will be okay.  
I quickly brush my bangs out of my eyes, worriedly, and make my way downstairs to open the door with a shaky hand.  
Sure enough it's him there. Dark hair, hands in his hoodie, his lip between his teeth, I feel myself get weak at my knees at just the sight.  
"H-Hey," I stutter out, I watch as his dark eyes meet mine and my stomach begins to churn with butterflies.  
"Hey, Baby," he replies, pecking me on the lips.  
"U-Um... come in," I blush, nervously.  
"Nervous?" He asks, passing by me and setting down his bag.  
I nod, shutting the door and swallowing, "A-Are we r-really doing this?"  
I see him smirk as he reaches through his bag, "I brought stuff, I mean... if you do want to go through with it."  
I swallow and I honestly feel like I'm about to cry because I'm so stressed I mean... what if he doesn't really want to do this? What if he's just trying to be nice? What if he still can't forgive me for wanting to be transgender?  
"A-as long as you want to," I choke, trying to hold back the tears but it ultimately fails and I'm left a choking, stuttering mess and all Pete can do is pull me close and let me cry into his shoulder.  
"Hey, Babe, we don't have to if you don't want to... I mean it would be really nice but if you don't want to we can wait..." he whispers in my ear.  
And now I feel guilty for not wanting to do it when he does...  
Maybe it would be best to just do it. He wants it, it'll be okay. It couldn't hurt that bad, right?  
"Just... please stop crying, I hate seeing you cry..." he whispers, petting my hair and holding me closer.  
I wipe my tears and take a deep, shuddery breath.  
"O-okay..." I whisper.  
"You sure?" He asks.  
I hesitate. Do I really want to lose my virginity to Pete? Pete Wentz? Pete fucking Wentz the bisexual sex god?  
Maybe.  
"Yeah."  
He smirks and grabs my ass hard, making me squeak.  
"Let's go then."


	9. Chapter 9

It's slow.  
That's all I can say about it. It's... I'm not gonna say it was as good as I hoped but it was good.  
He took his time, I didn't come no matter how hard he tried to help me (then again I've always had problems with that) so he ended up just coming and asking if I was okay with that. I said yes even though I had hoped he'd help me and he cleaned up and left.  
He didn't even tell me he loved me.  
It's okay, though... I mean... I'm not a virgin anymore, right?  
I groan and turn in bed. It's not like... I hated it I just... It was missing something... I'm not sure how to explain it, it just... just... I don't know... weird...  
I hear the front door and I have to scramble to get my clothes back on, starting with my pants, grabbing my bra, and slipping on my shirt last.  
"Patricia? You home?" My mom asks.  
"Yeah!" I call as I head to the bathroom, trying to be as discreet as possible, "Hold on. I'll be down in a minute."  
"Alright, Honey,"  
I shut the door and turn on the light and fan so she won't know what I'm doing.  
There are marks all up my neck. Purple and blue and red and my eyes widen at the sight as I quickly pull some of my concealer from my drawer and try to cover it up, desperate because if Mom finds out about this–  
Covering it up takes about ten minutes or so and by the time I finish, it looks like he never came.  
Get it?  
I open the door and walk downstairs, hugging Mom, "Good afternoon!"  
"Good afternoon," she chuckles as she hugs back, "Wanna go to the movies?"  
"Sure."


	10. Chapter 10

The movie was good. We watched Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them but I was distracted. I couldn't stop thinking about... about Pete...  
I don't know what to think. I love him. I really love him but I'm afraid he doesn't love me... I'm afraid... I'm not enough for him... I'll never be enough for him. I'll always be a stupid tranny... a faggot... I hate myself. I hate what I am...  
Mom asked me what was in my mind, I told her I'm just kind of stressed with schoolwork and she bought it, thank god...  
So now I lay in bed, staring at my healing wounds across my wrists. They're red, sensitive. Pete didn't notice them. I don't know how he didn't notice them... I think he might have just been ignoring them...  
I'm so confused.  
I'm so confused and miserable and... feminine... I just need to talk to someone... anyone... but I'm afraid they'll judge me for what I've done... they'll judge me for who I am like Pete does... I'm terrified...  
This wasn't what I had planned... this was never what I had planned...  
"Patricia, Honey?" I hear Mom call, that venomous name on her lips... it sounds like shit...  
"Yeah?" I call back.  
"I'm gonna go out for a bit, you wanna come with or do you want to stay home?" She asks. I perk up at that, my eyes darting to the blade tucked safely between my books.  
"No, I'm okay."  
"Alright, call if you need anything. I'll be back."  
And she's gone.  
And I grab my blade and head towards the bathroom.


	11. Chapter 11

I shut the bathroom door, it bangs hard but not too hard on the frame as I turn on the fan and lock it soon after.  
I would do it in my bedroom but it's easier to clean up the cuts in the bathroom...  
I press my earbuds in my ears, turn up the music, and take a seat on the shut toilet, pulling my hoodie off and wiping my blade on my jeans before I position it at my wrist.  
This is the second time I've cut. The first time was nice but... I'm craving it almost constantly now. I want the pain. I need the pain. I deserve the pain.  
I'm a bad person...  
I've done bad things, I'm disgusting in gender, nobody accepts me and nobody should, I don't deserve to be accepted. I will never be a boy. I will never be what I want to be because no matter how much I might wish it. No matter how much I want it...  
I'll never be a boy...  
One cut for being worthless.  
It bleeds.  
Not enough.  
One cut for being stupid.  
Still not enough...  
One cut for being a cutter.  
One cut for being addicted.  
Two cuts for breaking Mom's rules.  
Three cuts for letting Pete into my pants.  
Four more cuts for not being enough for him.  
One cut here for not being a good enough friend to Gerard.  
And five deep, bloody cuts for the worst problem... five cuts that I hope will scar and show exactly how ugly I am inside...  
Five cuts for being a boy inside.  
One for being born the way I am.  
One for telling Pete.  
One for thinking anyone could love me.  
One for even trying to be a boy.  
One for thinking I'll be one even when I know I'll never be one...  
Useless.  
Pathetic.  
Two more cuts there.  
Three for crying.  
One more to make that twenty-five cuts.  
Bzzt.  
I pull out my phone, cringing at the pain.  
Gerard: can u talk  
Patricia: sure


	12. Chapter 12

"Hey, Gee, what's up?" I ask, my voice smooth over the phone. Much smoother than it should be...  
Am I trying too hard? Or is this okay? Does he think I'm weird for answering too soon? Should I try to deepen my voice more? Should I even try at all? It's useless. Pathetic.  
It's me...  
"Hey! I was wondering if you'd be okay with me coming over for a bit? I um... I wanna talk to you in private if possible..." he says, lowering his voice at the last bit.  
I frown but eventually just go with it, "O-Okay..."  
"I'll be right over." And he hangs up.  
I frown, confused at what he might want to talk about but I go with it anyways.  
While I wait, I quickly clog up the cuts, cleaning them with alcohol (which stings horribly) and bandaging them over best as I can.  
Knock, knock  
"Just a minute!" I call as I hurry to pull on my hoodie and tie off the bandages.  
I finally finish and run downstairs, nearly tripping over my own feet as I open the door and smile at the redhead who has his own but weaker.  
Mine fades.  
"Hey, 'Trish," he whispers, gently but he sound sort of... sad.  
"What's wrong?" I ask as he comes inside and the door is shut behind him with a small slam.  
Gerard swallows nervously and takes my hands making me flinch slightly, "I want to see your arms."


	13. Chapter 13

I feel like I'm going to burst of shock.  
My arms? Why my arms? Does he know? Does he know what I do to myself? How? Who told him? How could he know about it? What if he leaves me? What if he calls me an attention whore? What if-  
"'Trish, please..." he whispers as he reaches out for them but I pull them away.  
"N-no..." I whisper, my voice cracking halfway through, "P-please I don't... I..."  
He gives a sad sigh, "'Trish, please... I'm worried about you... You've looks down lately and I want to know you're okay... please just let me see your arms. I won't do anything, I promise."  
I try to choke back tears because tears are girly and I'm not a girl. I'm a boy. Tears aren't very masculine... then again neither is cutting...  
Is it...?  
"I-I d-d-don't w-want y-you t-to push m-me away..." I whisper, my throats closing up and the tears right in the edge of my lids about to burst.  
"Trish, you're my friend, I'd never push you away because you cut. You mean so much to me, you have no idea, please just let me see your arms..." Gerard whispers, "it's okay... I promise..."  
I choke back the tears harder.  
Tears aren't okay. Boys don't cry. Girls cry. Boys are strong. I'm strong. I have to be strong...  
"Come here," Gerard whispers as he pulls me into a hug. I accept it immediately, sobbing into his shoulder and finally letting it out, "Shh, it's okay... it's okay... I'd never leave you, Patricia... never..."  
Patricia. Patricia. Ugly Patricia. Girly Patricia. You'll never be a boy. You don't deserve to be called a boy. You're a disappointment. A failure. You'll never be what they want you to be. You'll always be caught up in your own imagination.  
"My name is Patrick." I whisper, so very softly I'm afraid Gerard doesn't hear and for some reason, I don't want him to hear. For a split second I pray that he doesn't hear and that he just passes it off as a shudders breath.  
But he doesn't.  
"Patrick?" He asks, gently, nudging me away.  
I swallow but my throat is dry and I'm terrified he's going to hit me like Pete did. I'm terrified he's going to show me what's wrong with me...  
"Y-yeah..." I whisper, blushing, "I'm sorry I... I just... nevermind. It's stupid. I shouldn't've brought it up I-"  
"No, I love it." Gerard jumps in.  
My eyes flutter up to look into his eyes and he looks straight back into mine, "I'd that's what makes you happy, then I'll be here for every step of the journey."  
I feel a blush cross my cheeks as he takes my hands, "Is that why you've been cutting? Because you're trans?"  
I nod. Kind of...  
"I don't like it... I don't like... this... I just... I just wanna be a boy..." I whisper, my voice cracking again, "why couldn't I have been born a boy...? I hate it... I just... It's pathetic... I know... I'm sorry..."  
Gerard pulls me close, "It's not pathetic. I think it's brave of you to come out to me... I'm guessing it's hard... have you come out to anyone else?"  
I almost nod, almost. But Pete... I don't want to tell him about Pete...  
"No, j-just you..." I whisper.  
Gerard gently tugs up my sleeve, revealing my cuts and I don't struggle, I just let him do whatever he wants with me...  
"Well, I'll help you... I'll teach you how to be a boy if you'd like... I could help you... I wanna help you... I think it's really cool..." The redhead says, "Would you be okay with that?"  
My green eyes dart back up to his, a smile on my tear-stained cheeks.  
"I'd love to."


	14. Chapter 14

"Okay, 'Trish-er-'Trick." Gerard says, quickly correcting himself, "You have boobs."  
I blush at that statement as I lean myself further back against the tree, "Y-yeah...?"  
"Guys don't have boobs unless we're talking about man-boobs but... well, frankly, man-boobs aren't near as entertaining." I giggle at that, "We need to get you a binder and... and maybe a haircut? Different clothes because your wardrobe consists of skirts, dresses, and pink. Um... a deeper voice, too. No more makeup. Converses... they're alright but we could probably get you more than just that."  
He continues to look me up and down, squinting his eyes with his pencil and open notebook in hand as he sketched out... something. Or maybe he's just taking notes, "Boxers or briefs?"  
I blush a darker shade of red, my eyes widening at that, "B-boxers?"  
"Belts or nah?"  
"U-um... s-sure?"  
He smiles and looks across my hair, "What would you think about wearing a fedora?"  
I swallow, "Sure."  
"Sexuality?"  
"Bi,"  
Gerard smiles, "Okay, so some ground rules. No more crossing your legs. Stand up taller. Don't talk near as much. Um... we can look something up about deepening your voice. Hold on, lemme draw this..."  
I frown as I watch him continue to sketch out the drawing, the green grass tickling his legs softly and I scrunch my nose at the thought of it.  
We sit there in that small park for a while, the breeze coming and leaving and nothing but our steady breaths keeping us company until he finishes his drawing and my eyes widen at it.  
It's me. As a boy.  
I'm wearing a leather jacket and my blonde hair is cut short with a black fedora perched atop my head. My eyes are looking straight back at me, my mouth open just slightly to show my teeth. I have no breasts, I'm guessing there's a binder or ACE bandages under there restraining them to my chest along with jeans (with a belt, of course) that make it look like I have no curves and it's completely straight all the way down like a boy should have and I can't help but cover my mouth in shock.  
"Would that be okay?" He asks gently.  
"Yes, I love it." I reply, hugging him, "I absolutely love it!"  
He smiles, hugging me back, "Love you, 'Trick,"  
"Love you, too," I smile.


	15. Chapter 15

"Where are you?"  
His voice is deep, a little intimidating. It makes me want to hide from him, not to mention it sounds really demanding and just... scary... is it normal? Is it normal wto be afraid of your boyfriend?  
I'm probably just paranoid and anxious. It's okay.  
"Home, why?" I ask, my voice small as I swallow nervously.  
"Alone?"  
"Y-yeah..."  
"Okay," he replies, "I'll be over in a bit, alright? I want to hang out."  
"Oh, okay."  
"Is there a problem with that?" He growls, hostility lacing his voice.  
"N-no..."  
"Okay, see you in a bit."  
"Love you..."  
"Mhmm, bye."  
And he's hung up. I swallow nervously, I think he's going to ask for sex again... he's been really tense lately and I've been scared that he'll snap soon and I'm just not entirely sure what do to...  
I'm scared he's going to hit me but I know that if he does, I probably deserve it. I deserve every hit he forces on me... I'll take them all for him...  
I deserve it...  
Tranny faggot. What's wrong with you?  
I shudder, pulling my blanket further around myself and drinking more hot tea.  
Gerard left a couple hours ago, we were working on deepening my voice, we'd looked a few things up and he said that as soon as he gets his paycheck, we can go out and buy clothes. I, of course, told him not to but he only replied with a, "no, no, no. No friend of mine is going to work their ass off just to get some clothes. If you try to argue, I'll just buy them on my own."  
So we're going to the mall on Sunday to buy some leather jackets and belts and whatever else we might need.  
So here I wait until Pete shows up and does whatever he wants...  
All I can do is hope he won't hit me again.  
***  
"Hey, 'Trish," Pete says in a rather monotone voice as he sets his bag down by the door, then turns to me, "Get undressed for me?"  
"I... u-uh..." I blush because I honestly don't want sex. I want to talk to him like a normal relationship and I just... I don't want to have sex...  
He glares at me expectantly, "What?"  
I blush a darker shade of red, my heart pounding in my chest, "I... I don't really want to-"  
"What? Get fucked?"  
I nod.  
"Jesus, 'Trish. We did it last time, what makes this any different? Are you self-conscious?" He asks, sounding more and more frustrated with me by the second, "Is it because you want to be a boy? Is that why? Is it because you're so fucking selfish that you don't care about me? Is that it?"  
He slaps me, leaving a burning sensation on my cheek, "Fucking slut! You're an attention whore, aren't you? You just want everyone to pity you for wanting to be someone else, huh?"  
"P-Pete, stop," I cry out, tears streaming down my cheeks.  
"Then bend over the fucking couch, Slut!" He barks.  
I don't, I don't do anything but sob until he eventually just shoves me harshly over the couch and I hear the sound of his jeans unzipping and a condom being ripped open, "Be grateful that I'm using protection, whore."  
I don't struggle as he shoves down my jeans and underwear and lines himself up and I don't struggle as he rapes me and I don't struggle as he cleans himself up and leaves.  
I collapse on the couch crying with torn clothes and a torn heart as his car door slams shut and he's gone.  
And I do nothing as I lay in my own self-loathing for trying to stop him in the first place.  
It wasn't rape.  
Couldn't have been rape...  
Right?


	16. Chapter 16

I don't talk to Gerard for the next few days, not until Sunday comes and by then, I have horrible self-esteem.  
I'll never be a boy. I should just face it, I might be a boy inside but I'm never going to be let out. I'll nerve really be a boy. I'll never really pass as a boy. People will always just call me Ma'am and girl and her and she and... I just want to be treated like Gerard or Pete or Joe are treated...  
A boy...  
***  
I don't talk to Gerard for the next few days, not until Sunday comes and by then, I have horrible self-esteem.  
I'll never be a boy. I should just face it, I might be a boy inside but I'm never going to be let out. I'll nerve really be a boy. I'll never really pass as a boy. People will always just call me Ma'am and girl and her and she and... I just want to be treated like Gerard or Pete or Joe are treated...  
A boy...


	17. Chapter 17

"Hey, Patrick," The red-haired boy smiles to me, shining his tiny teeth and dark eyes to me with a joy I wish I had...  
"Hey," I reply, faking my own smile no matter how much I want it to be real.  
It's pathetic but he doesn't seem to notice.  
"You hanging in there alright?"  
"Yeah, you?"  
"Yeah, mostly." Gerard shrugs, "Right, so let's figure out what to get you."  
I blush but still watch him as he scrolls through the various sites he has open on his phone, "I have a ton of stores we can check out so... where do you want to go?"  
We spend the day going to several stores: Hot Topic, Macy's, Urban Outfitters, a few places I can't remember... we use up just about the whole day buying clothes and talking about ways I can deepen my voice and asking how each other's weeks have gone. It's nice, it feels amazing being with Gerard.  
But, of course, when I arrive home with my bags, Gerard has to leave to go home. He kisses me on the forehead, a friendly gesture, and tells me he'll see me tomorrow. I giggle at his generosity and go inside to drop off my bags in my room before flopping down on my bed and smiling to myself.  
Life is good. Gerard is amazing. I might actually have a chance at being a guy. My voice is slowly but surely getting deeper.  
And Pete hasn't talked to me all day...  
I strangely miss him...


	18. Chapter 18

"Trish, I'm sorry about what happened Thursday, I understand you didn't want to have sex and I can completely respect that. I'm sorry I pushed you but you shouldn't have denied it... so... are we okay...?"  
I bite my lip nervously because I don't know. I want us to be okay, it was my fault for saying no, I mean... we're dating, why shouldn't I have sex with him if he wants it...?  
"O-okay... yeah, we're good..." I whisper, leaning my forehead against his chest and taking in his scent, it makes me hug him tighter and breathe in even deeper because I don't want to lose him and that's what I'm scared of. I'm scared I'll lose him and he'll leave me. I love him, maybe he can change, maybe things will be okay now...  
"Mmm..." Pete pulls me closer and kisses me, "You wanna go out? I heard Finding Dory is out..."  
"How romantic," I reply sarcastically, "But okay."  
He smiles at me, "I love you, Babe."  
"I love you, too..."


	19. Chapter 19

Hey Mom,  
This is kind of hard to say in person so I'm writing it down in a note. I just wanted to say that I'm transgender and I want to be a boy so... I love you and we talk about this if you want to later.  
-Patrick  
"I think that will work," Gerard says beside me as a gentle breeze flows through the air and ruffles the grass against my leg.  
"What if... what if she doesn't support me...?"  
Gerard pulls me closer to him, hugging me tightly, "Then you can live with me."  
I laugh slightly, "I've got Pete. I'm okay."  
Gerard smiles, "She's going to support you, trust me."  
"Okay..."  
"Okay."  
"Okay."  
"I BEG TO DREAM AND DIFFER FROM THE HOLLOW LIES," my phone goes off in my pocket and I jump as I rush to answer it, knowing exactly who it is.  
"Hey, Baby," I say quietly into the phone, "What's up?"  
"Where are you?"  
"With Gerard, why?"  
"Can you come over to my place?" He asks, his voice sounds frustrated, maybe a little angry. That scares me.  
"Y-Yeah, of course," I reply, biting my lip, "I love you."  
"Yeah, bye."  
I swallow, the line going dead.  
"I need to go." I whisper, trying to keep the disappointment and fear from my voice.  
Gerard sighs and gets up, helping me to my feet, "Before you go, I need to ask you about something..."  
"W-What?"  
He swallows and looks right into my eyes, "are you and Pete... okay...?"  
I nod, maybe a bit too fast, maybe a bit too slow. I can't tell but either way he seems to believe me.  
"Oh, okay..." he takes a breath and hesitates before he hugs me, his body warm against mine, "Stay safe my dude."  
"Thanks, talk to you later."  
"You too."


	20. Chapter 20

My hand is shaky as I knock on Pete's door, balancing my weight between my feet and biting my lip as he shows up in a black tank top and jeans.  
He doesn't smile when he sees me and he doesn't smile as he invites me in, shutting the door behind me.  
"H-Hey, Pete." I whisper, trying to shrink away from me but ultimately failing as he slaps me hard.  
"What the fuck were you doing with Gerard." He asks, intimidation in his voice and it makes me grip the couch in anxiousness.  
"W-we were u-uh..." I've hit a dead end. If I don't tell him, he'll think I'm cheating, if I do tell him, he'll know I'm still trying to be trans. Either way, it's going to end badly.  
"W-we were w-working o-on coming out to my M-Mom..." I whisper shamefully.  
"I thought I fucking told you not to be trans." He slaps me again, making me cry out, "You will never be a boy! You may think you're getting there but you'll always be a girl on the inside. Do you see these?" He grabs my boob rather harshly, "You. Are. A. Girl."  
"I-I'm sorry." I cry, tears falling from my eyes.  
"I don't want you hanging out with Gerard anymore."  
"But-"  
"No. It's useless so quit trying." He barks, "Get on your knees."  
"What-"  
"Get. On. Your. Knees." He growls.  
I stare at him for a moment, tears still trailing down my cheeks but I comply, lowering to my knees and letting him unbuckle his belt.  
"No fucking sounds, Slut."  
"O-okay..."


	21. Chapter 21

"Hey, Gee." I say quietly into the phone, "I... uh... I don't know if we should keep hanging out..."  
I hear his steady breaths on the other end of the line, "Why?"  
"I... I appreciate all the shopping and stuff but... I gotta face it... I'm never gonna be a boy. It was stupid to begin with. Mom's not gonna accept me."  
"Trick..."  
'"My name is Patricia now. Sorry. Bye."  
"Wait."  
"What?"  
"Color?" He asks. My breathing hitches at that. We'd made a code forever ago so if one person thought the other was in trouble, we'd give them a color. Green was I'm okay, yellow was I might be in danger, red was help me. I didn't expect him to ask this now but... obviously he thinks so...  
And I'm considering a red.  
But I can't be. It's just Pete. He's never hurt me... well... I guess he has but... it doesn't matter. He doesn't mean to... and it's my fault...  
It's a green.  
"Green." I reply, confirming my thoughts quickly before I've hung up and my phone is in my pocket again.  
I feel Pete's hands on my shoulders, making me flinch but slowly lean into his touch, trusting it for a reason I have yet to discover.  
"Shh, I'm not gonna hurt you, Baby." He whispers, "I love you so much... you know I'd never hurt you if you didn't deserve it..."  
I nod, "I love you, too..."


	22. Chapter 22

Gerard doesn't talk to me at all the next day at school. He keeps to himself, sneaking worried glances here and there, I catch him twice and try to ignore it. It doesn't matter. He doesn't matter...  
I'll never be a boy. It's useless.  
It's all so useless...  
At lunch, Pete stays by my side, whispering filthy, filthy things in my ear to try to turn me on but it ultimately fails. I don't like having sex with Pete. I don't like how rough he is or how he calls me a slut and a whore... I don't like how he tugs my hair. I don't like how he hits me before and tells me to just, "Bend over." He told me that after school he wants me to come over to his house so we can do something.  
"Hey, Baby, you okay?" He asks as Joe and Andy talk about some kid named Billie who had thrown a party the night before.  
"Y-yeah... why...?"  
"Nothing, Babe, just worried... you excited?"  
I shift uncomfortably under his gaze, hating how he can control me like this.  
"Yeah, of course." I lie even though I want to cry.  
"Mmm, good..." I feel his hand snake around my hips and begin rubbing circles at my inner thigh, "Gonna treat you so good... you want me, don't you?"  
I shift even more when his fingers trail upwards just slightly, creeping closer and closer to me.  
"Y-yeah..."  
"You love it, don't you, Slut?"  
I let out a shaky breath and a cracked, broken whisper, "C-could you s-stop, please...?  
"What?"  
"S-stop..."  
He squeezes my inner thigh harshly, making my scrunch my face in pain and grit my teeth from yelping out.  
"What. Was. That?"  
"Stop it!" I snap, pushing his hand away from me.  
Andy and Joe stare at us, confused but eventually I just shake my head, wiping the tears from my eyes and getting up from the lunch table to walk away.  
I walk to the women's restroom, my sleeve covering my mouth as I cry to myself.  
"Patricia! What the fuck was that?" Pete growls behind me, making me spin around.  
"Please, just don't touch me again." I whisper.  
"What?" He pushes me against the wall beside the bathroom, "What's wrong with me touching you? You afraid I'm gonna hurt you?"  
"Pete, please-" I beg.  
He shoves me against the wall again, my head slamming back and making me grimace.  
"Are you afraid of me, 'Trish?" He slaps me, "Are you afraid of what I'll do?"  
I sob harder as he hits me again.  
And then a voice rings out over us and my heart sinks farther than it already is as I fall to my knees when Pete lets go of me, crumpling to the floor.  
"Let go of her." Gerard growls.


	23. Chapter 23

"Let her go," Gerard growls.  
I slump to my knees, shaking and shuddering. I'm scared. I'm terrified. And I don't know what to do.  
He's going to stop Pete. He's going to make us break up. Pete can still change. He has to. Please.  
"Fucking cunt. Don't tell me what I can and can't do with my girlfriend!" Pete growls.  
"THIS IS ABUSE! NO WONDER HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE A BOY! YOU'VE BEEN HURTING HIM AND HIS SELF ESTEEM HAS FUCKING DROPPED!" Gerard shouts.  
"STOP!" I scream, shaking and crying and trying not to completely break down at this point.  
They stare at me, broken. Useless. Faggot. Tranny. I just want them to leave. I want to be left alone...  
"Just go away..." I whisper to them, burying my head in my knees, "Please."  
"Trick..." Gerard begins.  
"GO!" I yell and sure enough, soon after, Pete and Gerard are heading back to the lunch room, leaving me alone to gather my thoughts and try not to cry again.


	24. Chapter 24

Gerard: Hey, we need to talk  
Patricia: there's nothing to talk about  
Gerard: Why didn't you tell me Pete was abusing you...?  
Patricia: he's going to change  
Gerard: Patrick...  
Gerard: he's not gonna change... abusers don't change... please break up with him, don't let him hurt you again.  
Knock, knock, knock  
My eyes dart up from my phone and my heart sinks as I hear Pete's voice on the other side of the door.  
"Patricia! Open up!" He calls.  
Gerard: please, Patrick... he's just going to keep on getting worse and worse until he kills you. He's not safe... call the cops... something  
Patricia: are you sure...?  
"Patricia!"  
Gerard: I'm sure.  
I look back up to the door, making one last decision before I leave my messages with Gerard and dial 9-1-1.


	25. Chapter 25

"Patrick? What happened?"  
My eyes dart up from Gerard's notebook to see the red haired boy standing there, watching as the police drive away, down the street where Pete sits in one of their cars.  
"You came..." I whisper.  
He nods, "Of course I came, you're my best friend. Did they... Did they take him away?"  
I nod softly, looking down again, "Yeah... I... I thought it was for the best..."  
Gerard sighs, sitting down beside me and pulling me close, "This might sound a little weird and... if you don't want to talk about it, you don't have to but... did he... did he rape you...?"  
I blush softly, pulling my knees up to my chest and hugging them there.  
"There..." I swallow, "There was a couple times when... I don't know... I wouldn't really call it... rape..."  
"Did you consent?"  
I blush a darker shade of red, tears rising to my eyes, "N-No..."  
He pulls me closer, "I'll never let anyone hurt you again... I promise..."  
"Th-Thank you..." I whisper.  
"I love you."  
"Love you, too." I reply out of habit.  
He swallows.  
"But like... as more than a friend... do you love me like that, too?"  
My breathing hitches and my head turns to face his, he blushes.  
I kiss him, the collision of the kiss sending him back into the dew sprinkled grass.  
He pulls me down on top of him, his hands weaving in my long locks and his breathing getting faster under me in surprise while I keep calm. I finally pull away and look down into his hazel eyes.  
"I love you like that, too... I think..."


End file.
